


lol xD pronzzzz

by PeachBriseadh, Rimaina, saccharomyces_cerevisibae, sooz (notwest)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Proceed with caution, and uhhhh things that should not be used as lube, contains sexy priests and cowboys, i think we succeeded, this is a round robin/exquisite corpse type deal, we were trying to collaboratively write the worst porn possible, words that should not be used to describe a penis, you know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-04-28 12:32:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14449359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachBriseadh/pseuds/PeachBriseadh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rimaina/pseuds/Rimaina, https://archiveofourown.org/users/saccharomyces_cerevisibae/pseuds/saccharomyces_cerevisibae, https://archiveofourown.org/users/notwest/pseuds/sooz
Summary: lol xD here r teh pronzzzz of mah filthy smut babies uwu this is SLASH that means m/m which is boyXboy!!!! warning 4 lemonz and limezz!!! dont like dont read no flamerzzz pls :3cdisclaimer!!! i luvzz writin mah gay babiezz but i dont own anything!! i DONT OWN THE CHARACTERS!!!! if i did then we would see moar of my trash babiez in homestuck lulzzz dont sue pls!!!!hope you like mah plot bunniez ;33(Collaborative effort between tumblr users saccharomyces-cerevisibae, thedoublepp, rimainaneko, and davekatprompts to write the worst porn possible)





	1. Eggs

**Author's Note:**

> dirk: hey what are you writing??  
> jake: yeah what is that??? are you writing about me??? *tries to look over my shoulder*  
> me: *covers computer screen* no!!! dont look omg!!!  
> jake: are you writing about the two of us in an intimate fashion????  
> me: no!!! maybe!!! go away!!!  
> dirk: ....can i read it?  
> me: no!!!!!!
> 
> here you go :3c

Dirk Strider had never been a man for confessions, or church for that matter, but on a warm summer's day in December he found himself drawn to the ivory steepled fort of contrition. He sauntered seductively into the church as the bland suburban families filed out. Of course it didn’t escape his unholy orange irises the way the woman, and men, were basically eye fucking him senseless down the entirety of the center aisle. That was the idea, after all. If he was lucky. And in his best form fitting black shirt, pressed flush against his toned chest, black pants that hugged his impudent Strider ass in all the right ways, he knew he would be. Praise Jesus.

His bound member throbbed in want anticipation for what was to come. The tall blond made his way to the tip of the isle, deep inside the hollowed room. The podium stood draped in cloth and erect, not unlike Dirks own hidden Wood, trapped in its denim shield. Only one other person lingered in the house of god today, seemingly waiting for Dirks inevitable arrival. The raven burnet stood in the doorway, sleeves of his black shirt pulled taught over the swollen muscles of his biceps, watching Dirk hungrily from across the short distance separating the two gorgeous men. Dirk forced himself to stop and tease Jake, struggling against the magnetic draw of sexual tension that pulsed through his undulating arousal.

The burnet smiled, turning the knob of the door that was apparently behind him the entire time, not that dirk had time to tear his eyes off Jakes raw Herculean attractiveness. The set of his chiseled jaw, those full lips, that obscenely sexy overbite. Jake turned the knob passionately, and held it open for the anticipating blond at his frontage.

“Dirk, coming again for confession I see,” he said, a broad smile dewy on his plush lips. 

“Father,” Dirk replied, and stepped forward.

“We better make this quick, you’re not the only thing I have to ride today,” said the blond cowboy as he entered the secluded office.

“Oh Dirk,” the ravenette, Jake, gasped lustily as his eternal cowboy latched and sucked onto his neck like he was trying to remove poison from a snake bite. Dirk suckled at the flesh of his holy man like a young deer would nurse at its mother’s teat. Quite soon, the room was filled with manly whimpers. Dirk only looked up when his lover’s neck was finally marked with the ripe and sexual purple of a farmer’s market eggplant. 

“Forgive me father, for I am about to sin.”

Dirk moseyed into his lover’s office, twitching his hips all the more to put his gams and bubble ass on display. He could hear the Father’s deep cry of passion as he undoubtedly watched his sweet behind enter the holy room. Dirk had known this morning it was the perfect day to wear his favorite pair of assless chaps. With every swishing step he could feel his throbbing member, hot and pressing against the front of his pants. 

In a lovers’ trance they moved toward the large oak table in the center of room. It was smooth and hard, much like the manhood of both of the room’s occupants. 

Dirk leaned back on the wooden table seductively.

“Tell me what you will do, my son,” the man of God breathed, his voice and pecker shaking with barely restrained sexual desire for the blonde horse man.

Dirk licked his lips deeply and locked his orange soda colored eyes onto the Father’s, green ones. “I will make love to a man. I will ride him like my favorite steed, sweet Sunflower.”

Jake was amused at the blonde in obverse from him. The eggplant in his pants grew even larger, harder as time goes on. Dirk knew that the father was a grower, he knew how to cultivate his crops well. He waters the crops every morning without fail, making them harvestable for anyone’s taking. But the blonde knew, oh he knew, that eggplant of his is his for the taking.

Jake wondered how much of his eggplant would be needed to feed the appetite of this horse man. But first, he moves away from his suitor in favor of finding the sheath of protection. Dirk sits up from the table and began removing his chaps. He puts on some chapstick on his lips while his steed was bending over to find something. Oh how majestic is the curve of his steed. Dirk thinks he’d need to buckle up for what’s to come.

Jake however, had other plans, for he was not the one to receive the treatment of the steed this time. He took his sheath of protection and turned around before hiding something behind his pants. The riding crop camouflaged on his black attire. Oh Dirk would not see it coming, rather, Jake would like to see Dirk coming. Multiple times.

“My dear child,” he starts as he slowly struts towards the strider. “I’ll make you see Jesus in a moment, it is vital for the atonement of your sins.”

Dirk’s shaft grew wider at the thought.

The ravenette reached the blond horse man and tore his assless chaps away. “Ooh, father, yes!” cried Dirk in a passionate frenzy. The man of god reached to take his own priest collar off and Dirk stopped him, “No, father, leave it on. I want to see God with you.”

The shredded priest then tore his own pants off and slapped Dirk’s exposed ass, “My son, you are a cowboy, correct?”

It was true, he was a cowboy; he had learned to ride from a young age, taking on the biggest and hardest stallions that he could. Oh, it was a pleasure, bucking along the back of a muscled creature, both panting and glistening with sweat together. The blond nodded breathlessly, “Yes, father, best in Texas.”

The viridian eyed man chuckled “Then it is time to saddle up and ride, my child.”

Dirk nodded both of his heads, chin bobbing and turgid meatstick twitching in excitement at what was to come and what was to cum. He couldn’t wait to mount the fine steed of a priest and ride him like he stole him.

But first, he was in a church, and he intended to worship. The amber eyed man got to his knees and tugged on the priest’s flesh worm, lapping and suckling at the flesh. It was so good, like the time Dirk had pet a naked mole rat at the zoo but inside his mouth and less squirmy, and he moaned at the sensation.

Jake also moaned at the sensation, though his was at the sensation of being pleasured and not the sensation of licking at a succulent penis. He did love to suck on a lovely piece on man meat, but this was not the time to reflect on that. He pulled the cowboy’s hat off and ran his fingers through the gel-crispy hair underneath, so tantalizingly sticky and processed.

When Dirk thought that the muscled priest was hard enough he pulled off of his five dollar footlong meatball sub and smacked his lips loudly. “Father, do you have any lubricant?” Dirk simpered, wanting to ease the passage of holy dick into his gate of heaven.

“No, Dirk, but we may use this,” Jake said, and handed a lit candle to Dirk. The hot liquid wax dripped on his fingers, and the blond moaned in ecstasy as he used it to finger his chocolate starfish.

“Ooh, oh, it feels so good!” he cried out in pleasure, tossing his hair in the colorful light of the stained glass windows. Jake moved in to enter him, his massive magnum dong dripping and twitching in excitement. Little did either of them know that from outside the stained glass, someone watched.

Jake pushed his baby cannon inside Dirk’s juicy hole and yelled in pleasure, “Ah Strider, so good!” He started to pound mercilessly into the blond man, making him take all eleven inches of his wooden magic wand. 

“Ah, ooh, giddyap! Ride ‘em, cowboy!” Dirk cried out as his backdoor was shoved into again and again, causing him a lot of pleasure.

Suddenly, the stranger watching from outside kicked through the glass and jumped inside. 

“Stop right there!” he yelled out, “that’s not the real Dirk!”


	2. Flour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rim: Lol, who said this was even remotely done?  
> *loads a gun*  
> sorry for the short chapterr

So you might be asking why is there a random person telling me I am not Dirk. Or rather the person who said they were Dirk was called they were not Dirk, but I am the real Dirk. In Jesus’ mighty name, this story is about to get hella confusing.

I was minding my own business, walking towards the church to give its share of the local crops grown at our farm. It’s mostly from your orchard, lots of grapefruit, apples, and lemons. Suddenly you see some bastard who was walking in broad daylight wearing assless chaps, seemingly also heading for the church.

You squint for a bit when you realize that his hair is shaped and styled like yours, with the same shade of blonde. Shining in the sunlight and soft against the wind. You’re so jealous. You thought you had the best flaxen, soft hair in the neighborhood, but no, this douche decides to appear. You think this guy is copying you! How dare he!

You decide to follow the assless guy, (really, he is assless) “ce salaud mieux ne pas séduire mon papa.”. Ahem. Excuse my French. You stare at his ass for a good moment until he passes through the church gates, heading for the stairs. You look at yourself to see you were still wearing your dirtied overalls from harvesting your fruits from the tall trees at your orchard.

You gotta pluck them by hand, there are no machinations in your country to help you with your fruit harvesting. You’d always preferred getting handsy on the trees. It’s the feeling of being close to nature, and the feel of the wood on your hands feels invigorating.(edited)  
Going back to the handsome dick striding their way to the church before you had a nostalgia attack stroking wood back in your family farm, you suppose it’s not a bad idea to follow the guy and investigate why he planned on entering the church when the service is about to end in a few more minutes. You have no doubt that there would be a lot of people inside for the service, considering it was Father Jake who was hosting the mass inside at this time.

There is no doubting that the big daddy of the church is Jake English. He is charismatic, handsome, body chiseled by the Greeks trying to portray their gods. You don’t know about the Greeks, but you do believe in God, and you think that Jake is truly something that heaven sent down from above to have people have something to worship.

In all honesty you think you’re the person who worshipped Jake more than the big guy up there ever since he came to your humble countryside as a missionary. You know that the priests of each church switch to another group of priests every 10 years. That made you think that you had to worship this angel and know all his angles during his stay here. You may never see him again after the rotation, you don’t keep tabs on the places they switch to.

You think, Jake is the reincarnation of Lucifer, did something to provoke the big guy and had him fall from grace, to be punished to never go back to heaven, and greet those who will be staying in hell. You think if Jake IS really that reincarnation of the lightbringer, you’d rather stay in hell with Jake. At least you know everything is hot there, if you know what I mean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only nice comments pl0x

**Author's Note:**

> dirk: well that was... interesting  
> jake: *blushes hard*  
> me: omgg jakey no its okay!!! ur a stud lulz  
> dirk: please tell me you're not writing any more  
> me: *hides computer screen* nnnoooooo?
> 
> :33 plzzzzz give comments but no haterzz!!!


End file.
